Rebirth
by SweetPsycho
Summary: What really happened that day inside the hive that caused black hat to turn away from everything he cared about.  This is a short monologue about the character. Now contains a revised version which i would recommend reading  over the original
1. Original

Sometimes it's the moments we wish we could forget that remain with us through everything no matter how much we wish we could forget them. Sometimes it makes us stronger and sometimes it can break us but for me it causes only emptiness and a longing I no longer wish to feel. I long for something that I had always wanted but had been denied yet it was only as my body lay torn and broken on the ground did I realize how much I truly wanted it, longing for an angel to save me from my own darkness that I could not control or direct towards anything but myself that had nearly consumed me long before that day.

The hive had been oddly quiet that day but we didn't think about why, only that we had to find and kill a demon we had only ever heard stories about. Back then those stories used to keep me awake until I could no longer stand it but as they say times change. When they found us it wasn't fear that caused me to move , not then, nor was it fear I felt when they grabbed me because even though I had seen death so many times before in front of my own eyes I never really thought about what would happen if they got me.

We were so close to the opening , to the sunlight and I remember thinking how could I be afraid now when we're this close to safety yet it had also been a man I knew only as a fellow warrior holding on to me that made me feel safe. These people were my brothers and sisters in the order and they would not leave me now when we were this close yet even as I thought this I knew it wouldn't be enough even if they did fight for me, one life was not as important as the life of many. There were so many of them and even then I think they wanted me even if they didn't know why, maybe they sensed what I would become or maybe their queen somehow knew but for them then want meant hunger, that was when I felt the first pangs of fear.

I can't remember if he let go or if they just pulled me away but that was the end for me and what a sad end it was, begging for it to just end as they sliced into my unprotected skin, ripping away my mortal flesh yet it did not end, not then because an angel chose to save me, she chose to make me strong enough that I would never be helpless again. I chose to join her.

The Church taught us that they were monsters, those soulless demons that came at night to bring misery and bloodshed however it was her that saved me, not a soulless demon but a pure spirit who wanted to protect her children. It was her not my friends or the man that I never got a chance to know but her the very creature that I had come to kill that allowed me to truly live for the first time and as I was reborn I could not forget that man who had gripped my hand and tried to pull me away from my death, my destiny or his scream that sounded as delicious as only a sin could that had followed me to my death and through my rebirth.

* * *

><p>I know this isn't very good and I'm sure i made some grammatical errors however i would appreciate it if you simply pointed these out instead of flaming me.<p> 


	2. Revised Version

Occasionally it's the moments we wish we could forget that linger with us through everything, no matter how much we yearn to forget them. At times they can make us stronger but more commonly they can be the reason we break.

I still cannot tell if I even belong within either of these groups and though I am often glad of this division from the norm, it is in my darkest moments that I feel that it would be worth the hurt and sorrow that belonging would inevitably cause me, just to eradicate my own feelings of emptiness but more presciently the pitiless yearning that I can no longer hope to comprehend.

I long for a touch, an essence so dazzling that I fear it would sear my own blackened heart into oblivion. I desire that which I had always been denied. Nevertheless it was only as my body lay in tatters on the cold, desiccated ground that I came to realize how much I truly wanted it, how I had always been waiting for an angel to save me from my own poisoned desires.

The hive had been abnormally hushed that day but we chose not to question why, our only thoughts were that we had to keep moving. Probing blindly in those dark catacombs for a foe so terrible it was said to have the power to make even the most seasoned warrior fall to the ground in despair. A demon we had only ever heard stories about. On that day I feared that such a creature would be able to look into my soul and sense my own failing, my undisclosed need.

When they came for us it wasn't fear that froze my blood, not then, nor was it fear I felt when they seized hold of me. Instead I was filled with a great sorrow; I had lived and died for the Church and yet the Church would not morn me, God would not save me. Perhaps it sounds strange as I had witnessed death so many times before but I had never allowed myself to entertain thoughts of my own demise; for fear that I would be paralyzed by the realization of my own limitations.

We had been so close to the sunlight; to safety that I remember thinking how could I be afraid now. We would live. Maybe this is true, maybe if I had been faster it would have been.

When I felt their claws tearing into my flesh I knew this was my end. Upon reflection I am sure he knew so too yet he had not let go. A man I knew only as a fellow warrior chose to risk his life to hold on to me. There was no hope. Those people were my brothers and sisters, warriors chosen by God himself to protect the innocent and vanquish the corrupted yet all but one of them turned away from me, too fearful to risk leaving the security of the light.

I don't understand why they chose me, I don't suppose they understood it themselves, possibly they sensed what I could become or maybe their queen truly did sense the shadows in my heart. More likely it was a choice made out of necessity and I was their only remaining candidate. That was when I felt the first pangs of fear.

I can't remember if he let go or if they ripped me away but that moment was the beginning of my end and what an ignominious end it was. Pleading with the very creatures I had hunted for it to end as they sliced into my naked flesh, ripping away my mortal tissue yet it did not end, not then.

I don't know how long it continued in this manner except the moment she was finally revealed to me was forever scorched into my mind. Like a vision of a fouled angel, so unlike that which I had prayed for yet so alike myself that I finally understood, under the ever present observation of the Church, how far from grace I had fallen. As my life began to fade away she offered to make me strong, to allow me to live the life I was born for. I chose to join her.

My queen.

The Church taught us that they were monsters, soulless demons that came at night to spread despair and carnage. This is a lie. They are not creatures of thought but creatures of instinct. Pure and unyielding my kin desire only what they need to survive. It was them that freed me. Not my family, not the man that I was never able to know, to thank. It was her that showed me love. And as I was reborn it was this love that held on to me, poured into my veins in the hope of reviving my wretched life.

Maybe I do not belong to any world; I am neither human nor otherwise yet maybe I do not need to belong, perhaps it is enough to be loved unconditionally by one half of my world than forgotten or worse, rejected by the other.


End file.
